Emerging from the cave

One of the things that happens when I get stressed is that I have to cut down on the things that stimulate me. Unless I am very careful, my emotions swing wildly out of control. I used to call it borderline bipolar because that is how it had been diagnosed. But it is really not that. It's really a form of disassociation.

With autism (and Asperger Syndrome), the person has to spend a fair amount of emotional energy just staying connected with people and the world around them. This isn't something that comes "naturally," although some of us can get quite good at faking it when we have to. I call it masks. But there is always a price to be paid, and the longer you put it off the higher the cost.

What that means is that when I'm called on to do my bit in an intense situation over several weeks, the rest of my life pretty much drops by the wayside. The Robot takes over the Job That Pays The Bills, and my "off time" is spent mostly sitting quietly in the dark with music playing or the TV droning on in the background. I'm not actually watching it, usually I'm wearing a bandanna as a blindfold.

“On stage I make love to twenty-five thousand people; and then I go home alone.”

— Janis Joplin

What I do demands that I project confidence, assurance, and compassion. That takes passion, and the emotion has to come from somewhere. It takes time and rest to reconnect.

Otherwise I become the Robot and the strands that keep me sane and alive drop away.

One of my companions took it well, the other, well, that is another connection to fix. If she lets me, the lady always chooses.

It occurred to me this time that my naturism might be an outgrowth of the stress. Just when I think that part of me is normal…

So today I'm not in a quiet dark room with the drapes drawn. I've even been sketching a bit. Like the NW logo that you can see as the new category graphic*. I'm proud of that one, I've been looking for something simple and distinctive.

Think I will go find some fixings for dinner. Maybe I'll even have a guest.

*Update: In light of what I said in this post, I’m changing the category graphic for Thinking by Blogging.

Here’s the original graphic.