Well, that was a helluva week.

I've said about all I want to say right now about the Bonewits mess. Yesterday I got flamed on reddit. I got flaming emails.

Since this is my journal on one of my blogs, today I'm going to talk about a few things that don't belong on a discussion board. No debate here, no judging weighted moral choices. Just me and what I want to say.

❝I admit I've learned more about Isaac Bonewits today than I am really comfortable with. But I have to wonder, how many of us would come out looking good if similar accusations were made against us?❞

❝Bonewits did contribute heavily and I don't want to see his work cast aside because it is "tainted." I wore out my first copy of Drawing Down the Moon because I would copy the chapter with the Advanced Bonewits Cult Danger Evaluation Frame for minister friends. This was pre-WWW, and they didn't have anything comparable from Christian sources.❞

I've done despicable things in the service of lust and desire and power. I would not come out looking good.

But I changed. Sympathy is not part of my nature. Fellow-feeling is a gift that I have to work at, so I do. I consider it as restitution for the person I once was.

All through yesterday, I had to wonder what would happen if it were me facing the accusations of Things Too Terrible to discuss.

And yes, that's self centered. And yes, that's guilt talking. And yes, I let those small-minded sanctimonious more-pagan-than-thou types get to me.

You see, I don't support abuse. But I understand it. Stars above and Earth below, I understand it in a way those self-righteous blowhards never could.

Because I used it.

Back before Someone convinced me I could do better. Before Someone taught me that true restitution meant making the World just a bit better today. Before Someone showed me real wealth was what I could give away.

Oh I never technically forced myself on anyone. Even then I didn't go after teens or kids. But I was a manipulative bastard well trained by a manipulative bitch. We both took pride in how good we were at pulling strings and pushing buttons. And gods, we reveled in the sex. We relished the role of predator. Hunting someone down, breaking them bit by bit, feeling the surrender, that was a bigger rush than the sex.

That was then.

I don't believe in irredeemable sin. Although there are evidently pagans who do. And I don't believe that there is some sort of life ledger where enough black ink washes away all the red.

I believe the measure of a man is in the lives he touches. I believe that a secret of life is leaving the World better than how you found it. And I believe that each person is responsible for their own choices and the consequences.

I believe that the worthy choices are never the easy ones.

Yesterday just brought it home again.