About that book - updated


Looking closer at myself

I used to joke about Pagans being failed librarians. That's because almost every Pagan I respected always seemed to have books all over, books on all sorts of subjects. And they read them and could recite them. Gods, what a joy for a bibliophile like myself!

I see that joke in a different light now because my thoughts have changed. Now I realize that there are Sojourners, Lost Wanderers and Story People (note to self, come up with better term for the Story People). Each of those is likely to treat books differently. Each of those is likely to treat life differently.

I've had my mind changed about other things while writing this blog, like the Otherkin. I started by thinking that Otherkin were pegging the flaky meter, and some of the ones I met or saw on the web didn't help my impressions. It wasn't till some stable Otherkin commented that I bothered to look deeper. I still don't understand everything, but I know now it's not all about the attention seeking.

The original version of Technopagan Yearnings wasn't that far from a Witchcraft 101 site. Those had been done to death during the 1990s, so when I brought the name back, I thought I wanted to give something back. I knew it would never be popular or profitable, but that wasn't why I was doing it. I really enjoyed sharing some of the things I'd figured out. This blog was always a labor of love.

I can tell you to the day when that changed. I can even tell you why. But I am not sure anymore that is really the reason.

I don't usually refer to specific gods unless I am referring to a specific role that god has played, usually in a story. I don't even do that all that often. Outside of my own rituals, I never refer to my own personal Patron and Matron except with the honorifics Lord and Lady. I do use the generic terms gods. It's part of the oaths and promises I made, you see. I know who They are, They know who I am, that should be enough.

But am I letting my honor get in the way of what I have to share?

I have to admit to myself at least that because I've kept my relationship with my gods private, I may have used it as a refuge from criticism. I can usually debate with the best of them you see. Back in the darker days, that relationship was a big part of what kept me alive. Every once in a while, I used to test myself. I'd go looking for Fundamentalist Christians and I would unravel all their arguments. I knew more about their faith and Holy Book than they did. It's how I would release steam and deal with frustration. I don't go looking for trouble any more, although if I stumble across it I do act.

Did I mention that I am not always a nice guy?

That private relationship with my gods meant that I didn't really have to subject that part of my life to anything but the broadest criticism. I had plenty of that even before I went looking for trouble. Many of my family are enthusiastic Southern Baptists and I had already heard the "You're going to hell!" bit many times. Since the relationship I shared with my gods was private, few knew the specifics about my faith and practices. Which meant that I always had the upper ground and the fundamentalists could never see me coming.

In short, I struck from the shadows and I wasn't really tested at all. At least not on religious grounds.

I need to work through this one way or the other. I don't want to stop this blog, but it's a real chore right now. I spend more energy talking myself into writing it than I do actually writing.

That's why I am sitting inside at a computer while there is a gorgeous sunrise outside with a birdsong wall going on. Something has got to change.

In the last month, I've had three people suggest I should write a book. Either I am projecting or Someone is nudging. Especially since talk about a book is part of the discussion that derailed me to begin with. So I am going to take another look. Maybe the process of setting something down and organizing it will test my reasoning and faith.

I'm still not going to tell you the title, although I will say it's killer.

It's time anyway, the year is about to begin again.

Posted: Wed - October 1, 2008 at 07:32 AM
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Random selections from NeoWayland's library


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