Familial obligations seasoned with terror


Slice of life piece, not Pagan this time around

I'm working on an essay for tomorrow, but I spent most of this afternoon over at the folks place.

For those of you who don't know, my stepdad has dementia and it is getting steadily worse. I am not telling you this for sympathy, but to explain where I am coming from.

My stepdad was an intelligent man with several degrees. One of the most amazing proof readers I ever encountered. He used to have an unbeatable sense of direction and an extraordinary memory.

Now his memory is so shot that he can't finish a paragraph in the paper without forgetting what it was about.

I suppose in a way it is a blessing that he has become mostly bedridden in the last year or so, and particularly in the last couple of months. I certainly wouldn't want him wandering around like he is.

I don't go over to visit as much as I should. Part of it is that he and I have not gotten along well in years and I don't want him to remember my last words as angry ones. But the bigger part of it is that visiting him terrifies me.

I've always placed great importance on who I am, what I know, what I remember. The thought of losing that and not knowing who or what is around me, it's almost enough to trigger a panic attack. And I have not had those in years.

I was two when he and my mother married. For better or worse, he was the male influence that I imprinted on. It may not be rational, but it is a deep seated fear that I will end up just like that.

I just thank the gods that it ended up that he would stay at the folks house and not at mine. It almost went the other way, I even remodeled the front bathroom to make it handicap-accessible. I don't think I could handle him being under the same roof.

I feel guilty for that. So I am working through it by confronting it and telling people about it.

Posted: Mon - February 12, 2007 at 07:05 PM
 ◊ 
 ◊  ◊  ◊  ◊ 

Random selections from NeoWayland's library


Technopagan Yearnings
© 2005 - 2010   All Rights Reserved